Make-Up Smeared Eyes - Automatic Loveletter

Left your t-shirt in my room, still smells of you And the picture you hung on the door lay smashed, picture perfect.
Explains now, clearly nothing left but a memory We only made out you never kissed me that's how I learned to hold back all feeling

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm ok, Its alright, good to know that your fine.

Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes, to show that I tried.

Some how you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did. And if every whole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace.
And it'll never be fair, I wrote my songs for you and you never even cared.
So Ill forget you, Ill wish your t-shirt, kill the pillow and cut you out of pictures

Wait, please don't go, I won't stay. All these words on replay. I'm ok, Its alright, good to know that your fink, Its alright, good to know that your fine.

Pretending everything is right, to make it better. I'll hide my make up smeared eyes...

This drama sat shot gun
My eyes rained like autumn
Only the glove box knows
How the story goes

Now that this bandage is broken and
The cuts left in open
I'll tell you just one thing
This wasn't worth the sting

Freedom of Speech Bitches

This blog is called Seventeen, not parental advisory. If you don't like it, don't read it. I make my feelings perfectly clear, in life and online, so no one should be shocked by anything I write. Unless we don't ever speak. Unless we live in separate worlds. Or unless you happen to be my mom. Either way, get off my blog and stop dragging your distaste for my opinions into my life.
PS... if you haven't noticed, I couldn't care less.

We'll Have The Life We Knew We Would...

How can I even explain how I got to this place? Fate is a dear kind friend of mine. I haven't felt so loved in...ever. She is the most exceptionally caring girl that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I thought that if we started dating I would feel scared and back away but all I want to do is dive in. It just feels right. It is right. And all that I have to do now is enjoy this feeling of being exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm going to give all that I have. It's going to be something else. It's going to work.
Sometimes you just know.


*If every simple song I wrote to you would take your breath away I'd write it all*

Swore That I'd Never Let You Back In...

Reading back on my posts was just too weird. It makes me feel naive, like I should have seen so much coming, even though I know I couldn't have. Usually when I don't blog on a personal level for a long time, I start by saying that so much has changed. But I feel that it probably wasn't ever the right thing to say. How much of my life ever really changes? Yes, it ebbs and flows and the drama wanes and then promptly returns to its epic level as per usual, but what else? Doesn't everything end up in the same place as it began?
That's how I feel right now, anyway. I'm on my - what is this now, I've lost count - fourth? attempt at getting over D. I think I've learned a lot in the past few tries. I know better than to pretend its an easy feat. It isn't. It's heartbreaking and difficult and I don't have an instruction manual to make it any easier or the ride less bumpy and winding. I deleted him off Facebook, I didn't answer his calls, I didn't ever find out what it was he wanted to ask me after I tore into him about being engaged (shortly). I don't ask about him. I try not to talk about him. I'm not searching out random hook-ups to try and see if that old Brazilian saying is right.
But sometimes, and I won't deny this, I think about him. Sometimes when Acacia and I are in Starbucks and the shop smells of Chai Lattes my mind wanders. I'm sure that when the snow falls this season I will remember walking the streets with him last year. Certain things bring me there. They remind me of him and there isn't much that I can do to stop it. I can only hope that in time these things will not leave me so flinching and that they will become rare.

Not big whatsoever...

Why would he feel it necessary to send me a message? We haven't talked for a while, probably over 2 months, and tonight I got a Facebook message asking me how my summer is and saying he misses me. Yeah. Right. Nice. I am SO not getting sucked back into liking him. I'm sure that isn't his intention but I know that it would be so easy a thing to have happen. Do I miss him? I didn't say that I did when I replied. I said it was weird not having him around. And it is. Definitely. I wonder how he will take that. Probably just as it is. I guess that's one thing that I've been envious of; he doesn't analyze or dramatize. I don't know if that's just a guy thing or what the deal is. In any case, he's lucky that he never dug deeper because then of course he would probably be more unsettled by the entire episode.
On another note... I need to get out of the house and have some goddamn fun. I'm going crazy. I love my nephews to DEATH more than ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD. No kidding. But there is a part of me that really likes to go out and party and have fun, and that is the part that my weekend is at war with. My sister-in-law called me moments ago and asked if I was having fun. Of course I said. Ezekiel is a real sweety. Are you dropping e-bombs? lol. YEPP I SURE AM.
No, not actually, of course. But I kind of wish. Not while Ezekiel is staying here, but just in general. Most of the time. Uh-oh.
I guess we'll see.

Try and tell me that what never started didn't come crashing down...

Jewel once said that she began to use people for song material. I feel like I'm dangerously close to doing the same. Whenever I start to feel uninspired someone comes along and provides me with the perfect emotion to write with. And that's just things that have happened to me! People are constantly unloading their problems onto me and it would be too easy to write about them. Of course, I wouldn't want them to feel alienated but what if they never knew? It isn't like I would make it obvious. Poetry is never that obvious.
Last night I wrote my best song yet. Also, I FINALLY cried. FINALLY. I feel like I was just too numb and refused to think about how much loss I felt until last night when I faced the issue. It was cathartic. It was also lucrative. Sometimes I hate that the two are so connected. Nothing is organic anymore. Nothing is without a purpose.

Wish you never looked at me that way...

Why is it that we always want what we can't have? Or rather, what is percieved as unattainable.

I know, somehow, that I can have anything I want. I believe that if one sets their sites on something, a way can be found. This is true for any and all situations. I don't care if it's a guy a job or a million dollars. I could get it. Anyone could. So I guess its about figuring out how to get one's way. And isn't confidence half the battle? But I digress.
ANYWAY
Yesterday, at a surprise party, somehow asked me about "that really sweet guy (I) was with at the bookstore." It caught me off guard. I forgot that anyone there would know little enough to bring him up. It isn't that it's a touchy subject (or at least I didn't think it was) but that it just isn't something I like to talk about. It's all over and done and I've definitely moved on. But to be dragged back to that place left me feeling uncharacteristically raw. Why? Why did that hurt me? It isn't as if I haven't talked about the situation. I have. Plenty. Perhaps too much. And yet this inquiry struck me in an unfamiliar way. I just said I didn't want to talk about. I said it was a long story. So she just goes "oh..." and I had to walk away. It wasn't the kind of long story that I was about to divulge. Will I ever? Will future boyfriends and newer friends see pictures or leftover scraps of memory and ask? Will I tell? I can't be sure. But if I am not able to, what does that mean? As you may have noticed I have far more questions than answers. Of those I have precious few. I don't like to think that he had that much of an impact on my life. But if I were to try to actually convince myself of that it would be a lie. Yet, I still can't figure out what exactly happened. Maybe that is what is keeping me from feeling completely released. Then again, I'm still tangled up in a minor if demi-crippling way. Friends talk about him - how can I not contribute to those conversations when they are largely directed at or concentrated on me? - my sisters ask if we speak (god forbid he would have the audacity), all guys are compared (in a "so much better/hotter/nicer" sort of way) to this one indescretion.

That's what love is: a misstep.

You could be with me make a memory...

Today was beyond excellent. I hung out with Devin, Acacia, and Hillary and we had A LOT of fun. Running through sprinklers isn't just for kids. Neither are playgrounds. That's keeping it PG right there. Lol. Everytime Acacia and Hillary and I talk about summer my excitement just builds until I fear it may become uncontainable. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though. It's a good thing most of my courses are electives, next year. I don't plan on being a good example of sobriety and modesty. Prudent living is NOT on my to-do list for my senior year. Partying, however, is well up there. Shallow?
Does it sound like I care?

Happy birthday to me!!!

Today was an interesting event. I got a lot of wall posts on Facebook, that's for sure, and a million phone calls. What's disappointing though is that one of my close friends actually forgot it was my birthday. Why do I care? I have no idea. I'm over it though, he felt bad. Yes that's why I'm over it. If he didn't care I would be upset, but let's not play "what if". I saw this really cute guy today in the hall by my locker. He totally caught me checking him out but then when I walked away my friend caught him looking. So basically I was pleased. I'm so excited for summer and my anticipation seems to increase as the days remaining grow fewer. The weather was incredibly fair today, it was hotter than hell actually. So I was wearing a really pretty dress today that has an partially open back that ties up. I was walking down the stairs after my French class with two of my friends, and one of them undid the tie. I was like, whatever haha I can do it back up, no big deal. Then she unsnapped my bra and I flashed a group of guys walking behind us when I turned around in shock. How pleasant. So I stood there cupping my chest while she did it back up and I reddened with embarassment. I don't embarass easily. But let's face it I FLASHED a large group of guys! Guys I don't even really know! Guys that I have to go to school with! But afterwards it was funny.
Birthdays can be full of surprises, but I think it's important to remember that so is life. That's what makes things interesting. Would I want everything to be the same all the time?
Umm boring.

My first time...

I had a blog, but that was yesterday and this is now. And how vastly the former differs. It's my seventeenth birthday on Tuesday the 26th. What does that mean to me? Basically, that the past year has flown at warp speed and I'm only now catching my breath; that I feel a strange sense of sorrow for the loss of 16, although I'm certainly glad to be done with it; that I'm a year older; most importantly, that absolutely everything has changed, and will continue to do so. Life can be crazy and at times it seems that one can't help but follow its example. It's even harder to maintain sanity when living under the microscope that is and forever will be highschool; inescapable and inglorious. Perhaps this year will bring a cornicopia of discoveries but more likely adversities. However, that is daunting and I refuse to entertain such prospects at this time. Why? Because it's seriously depressing, duh. So this is moving on. This is a fresh start. How lucky I must be, because I seem to be getting a lot of them these days. The trick is how to live without needing a restart button. I'll get right on that.