How many people have I hurt on the way to 'right'? How many lives have I affected and altered carelessly while trying to find myself. I was reckless. And it was not until today that I realized this.
Minutes ago, I was cleaning out my desk (which is a catastrophe)which requires a serious amount of rifling. In this process, I found many love letters and poems and notes, and I felt so sad. I felt sad for the people who I liked for only a short time and people who I led on. Worse for the few that I ended up in relationships with.
All false.
And now, happier than ever, I'm finally in a place where I am able to look back and feel great remorse. I learned a lot in those preceeding years, but at what cost?
Who of us has not been loved and not given it in return?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
ONE WEEK LEFT... as of tomorrow anyway!!!
Oh my goddess! I am SO excited to have him back it's just absolutely ridiculous.
I'm house/dog-sitting tomorrow for a family friend (Jesse's family, that is) and I can't wait. They're house is beautiful and so is their puppy. Plus, it'll give me a chance to be out of this place. Did I mention they have a hot tub? And pool table? And TONS of movies? YEAH. THEY DO.
Little did I know, this utopia is literally in my backyard. I can see my house from theirs. Yeah. Small world, I know.
Until then, I have nothing to do. Alexa said she would stop by after work so that's definitely going to help my state of mind. I hate being alone and bored. ESPECIALLY with Jesse away. Actually, I'm never alone OR bored when Jesse is home. And oh how I wish that were the case right meow. But soon. I never thought this time would come to and end but THANK GODDESS it is. I just have to find a way to occupy my time til then.
Must call Craig tomorrow. MUST get that PSO job, also.
Keep counting down!!!♥
I'm house/dog-sitting tomorrow for a family friend (Jesse's family, that is) and I can't wait. They're house is beautiful and so is their puppy. Plus, it'll give me a chance to be out of this place. Did I mention they have a hot tub? And pool table? And TONS of movies? YEAH. THEY DO.
Little did I know, this utopia is literally in my backyard. I can see my house from theirs. Yeah. Small world, I know.
Until then, I have nothing to do. Alexa said she would stop by after work so that's definitely going to help my state of mind. I hate being alone and bored. ESPECIALLY with Jesse away. Actually, I'm never alone OR bored when Jesse is home. And oh how I wish that were the case right meow. But soon. I never thought this time would come to and end but THANK GODDESS it is. I just have to find a way to occupy my time til then.
Must call Craig tomorrow. MUST get that PSO job, also.
Keep counting down!!!♥
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
4 Months♥
Jesse and I have officially been together 4 months as of today. There's also 17 days left until he's home. What do these 2 numbers add up to? A LOT OF MISSING HIM
Blood Drunk is in Fredericton right now. 4 hours ahead. And they're headed to St.John's today.
Turns out, this only gets easier during the daytime. Once the sun goes down, it feels like the same empty bullshit that I've been dealing with for the past 12 days. Ugh. Almost 2 weeks. Now that it's under a month, when people hear how long is left before he's back, I get this "give me a break" expression. Apparently most people don't mind being separated from their boyfriends and husbands. That's fucking sad in my eyes. I guess we should get used to being the exception. But the great thing is, we both just have the idea that this is how it SHOULD be.
We don't try. We just ARE.
I've had friends talk to me about how relationships are sooooo much work and take so much time and effort and it's really just not worth it sometimes. It's hard, they say. When I'm involuntarily part of these conversations, I feel like an impostor. I try to contribute and sympathize with these girls, but I can't fake it. Our relationship has always happened naturally and we effortlessly maintain a healthy balance. We respect each other, we understand and support each other, we have fun. If you love someone, you make it work. When someone is the most important person in your life, you should WANT to make time for them and take care of them. But I guess not everyone feels that way.
And who am I to judge that?
I AM, however, extremely grateful♥
Blood Drunk is in Fredericton right now. 4 hours ahead. And they're headed to St.John's today.
Turns out, this only gets easier during the daytime. Once the sun goes down, it feels like the same empty bullshit that I've been dealing with for the past 12 days. Ugh. Almost 2 weeks. Now that it's under a month, when people hear how long is left before he's back, I get this "give me a break" expression. Apparently most people don't mind being separated from their boyfriends and husbands. That's fucking sad in my eyes. I guess we should get used to being the exception. But the great thing is, we both just have the idea that this is how it SHOULD be.
We don't try. We just ARE.
I've had friends talk to me about how relationships are sooooo much work and take so much time and effort and it's really just not worth it sometimes. It's hard, they say. When I'm involuntarily part of these conversations, I feel like an impostor. I try to contribute and sympathize with these girls, but I can't fake it. Our relationship has always happened naturally and we effortlessly maintain a healthy balance. We respect each other, we understand and support each other, we have fun. If you love someone, you make it work. When someone is the most important person in your life, you should WANT to make time for them and take care of them. But I guess not everyone feels that way.
And who am I to judge that?
I AM, however, extremely grateful♥
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Waiting For Halfway
By sunrise, 18 days and counting down until Jesse gets back. I absolutely CANNOT wait. And yet I have to. So I try to occupy my time as best I can, keep busy, and avoid empty slots of time which tend to lead me towards an indescribably deep sadness.
Thank goddess we talk ALL the time. Being the incredibly sweet perfect boyfriend he is, he clears a lot of time to fill me in and make sure I know he's missing me too. Love him =)
Thank goddess we talk ALL the time. Being the incredibly sweet perfect boyfriend he is, he clears a lot of time to fill me in and make sure I know he's missing me too. Love him =)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
And Then The Rain Came...
And it seems to have washed away my ability to smile.
Because time is kicking my ass right now, and I just want it to hurry up and pass already.
Blood Drunk is touring Canada right now. I knew this. We knew this. This was planned many months ago, well before Jesse and I started dating. And yet, I could not have been prepared. Luckily, I got to go to Edmonton yesterday for a show and see him for a few hours. But oh my goddess was it ever hard =(
I miss him so much that I can't even find the words to describe how it feels.
I would rather give up on breathing because I would miss the air much less. It feels as if I am simultaneously completely empty inside, and also overflowing with sadness. I can't help but think about it. It's happening every second of every day. He's away and it kills. But I have no choice but to carry on normally until he returns. So I'll distract myself and hope that I can pull it together and find ordinary things to give me a small measure of happiness.
Writing helps (so does drinking). And hopefully shopping because that's what I'm doing tomorrow. And looking for jobs. Yes, plural. JOBS. I'm ACTUALLY going to take up running (again). If you knew me personally, you would know that prospect is ridiculous.
But at this point, I would do pretty much anything to avoid thinking about tour.
Nights are the worst. I miss the warmth that he gives off and his arms around me, and the way I can feel his heart beating against my back and his breath on my neck. Waking up to see him every morning. And feeling safe. Because without Jesse, nothing feels right.
The good news?
27 days until he gets back.
And then he's all mine again♥
Because time is kicking my ass right now, and I just want it to hurry up and pass already.
Blood Drunk is touring Canada right now. I knew this. We knew this. This was planned many months ago, well before Jesse and I started dating. And yet, I could not have been prepared. Luckily, I got to go to Edmonton yesterday for a show and see him for a few hours. But oh my goddess was it ever hard =(
I miss him so much that I can't even find the words to describe how it feels.
I would rather give up on breathing because I would miss the air much less. It feels as if I am simultaneously completely empty inside, and also overflowing with sadness. I can't help but think about it. It's happening every second of every day. He's away and it kills. But I have no choice but to carry on normally until he returns. So I'll distract myself and hope that I can pull it together and find ordinary things to give me a small measure of happiness.
Writing helps (so does drinking). And hopefully shopping because that's what I'm doing tomorrow. And looking for jobs. Yes, plural. JOBS. I'm ACTUALLY going to take up running (again). If you knew me personally, you would know that prospect is ridiculous.
But at this point, I would do pretty much anything to avoid thinking about tour.
Nights are the worst. I miss the warmth that he gives off and his arms around me, and the way I can feel his heart beating against my back and his breath on my neck. Waking up to see him every morning. And feeling safe. Because without Jesse, nothing feels right.
The good news?
27 days until he gets back.
And then he's all mine again♥
Saturday, July 3, 2010
So Repetitive
By now, anyone reading this knows that my life is completely amazing. You get it.
I should probably just start detailing what's going on in it, instead of being completely annoying.
Blood Drunk is playing a show tonight with Bison and Skullhammer. It's going to be amazing. Pogue Mahone - 9pm...ish.
I've never seen either of the other bands but obviously I want to. And I definitely wouldn't miss a Blood Drunk show. Let's get real here. Watching Jesse play drums is like... well... let's not even go there. Plus, Marisa is an amazing performer and basically just kicks every male singer's ass. It's intense and just all-around incredible. So I'm pretty fucking stoked.
Did I mention sitting in on HOTHW's jam tomorrow MAKING MY LIFE?!
Because it is. Seriously. I can't wait.
ANYWAY
Hillary is coming over soon soooo I should get back to life.
=)
I should probably just start detailing what's going on in it, instead of being completely annoying.
Blood Drunk is playing a show tonight with Bison and Skullhammer. It's going to be amazing. Pogue Mahone - 9pm...ish.
I've never seen either of the other bands but obviously I want to. And I definitely wouldn't miss a Blood Drunk show. Let's get real here. Watching Jesse play drums is like... well... let's not even go there. Plus, Marisa is an amazing performer and basically just kicks every male singer's ass. It's intense and just all-around incredible. So I'm pretty fucking stoked.
Did I mention sitting in on HOTHW's jam tomorrow MAKING MY LIFE?!
Because it is. Seriously. I can't wait.
ANYWAY
Hillary is coming over soon soooo I should get back to life.
=)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Karma♥
I don't really have the patience to describe things in detail, but my life is so perfect I can't imagine how it got to this place. Or maybe it's just my relationship with Jesse. Either way, I'm beyond happy and have just been blissed out for the past two months (as of yesterday).
And counting =)
And counting =)
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