Before Love

How many people have I hurt on the way to 'right'? How many lives have I affected and altered carelessly while trying to find myself. I was reckless. And it was not until today that I realized this.

Minutes ago, I was cleaning out my desk (which is a catastrophe)which requires a serious amount of rifling. In this process, I found many love letters and poems and notes, and I felt so sad. I felt sad for the people who I liked for only a short time and people who I led on. Worse for the few that I ended up in relationships with.
All false.

And now, happier than ever, I'm finally in a place where I am able to look back and feel great remorse. I learned a lot in those preceeding years, but at what cost?

Who of us has not been loved and not given it in return?

ONE WEEK LEFT... as of tomorrow anyway!!!

Oh my goddess! I am SO excited to have him back it's just absolutely ridiculous.

I'm house/dog-sitting tomorrow for a family friend (Jesse's family, that is) and I can't wait. They're house is beautiful and so is their puppy. Plus, it'll give me a chance to be out of this place. Did I mention they have a hot tub? And pool table? And TONS of movies? YEAH. THEY DO.
Little did I know, this utopia is literally in my backyard. I can see my house from theirs. Yeah. Small world, I know.

Until then, I have nothing to do. Alexa said she would stop by after work so that's definitely going to help my state of mind. I hate being alone and bored. ESPECIALLY with Jesse away. Actually, I'm never alone OR bored when Jesse is home. And oh how I wish that were the case right meow. But soon. I never thought this time would come to and end but THANK GODDESS it is. I just have to find a way to occupy my time til then.

Must call Craig tomorrow. MUST get that PSO job, also.

Keep counting down!!!♥

4 Months♥

Jesse and I have officially been together 4 months as of today. There's also 17 days left until he's home. What do these 2 numbers add up to? A LOT OF MISSING HIM

Blood Drunk is in Fredericton right now. 4 hours ahead. And they're headed to St.John's today.

Turns out, this only gets easier during the daytime. Once the sun goes down, it feels like the same empty bullshit that I've been dealing with for the past 12 days. Ugh. Almost 2 weeks. Now that it's under a month, when people hear how long is left before he's back, I get this "give me a break" expression. Apparently most people don't mind being separated from their boyfriends and husbands. That's fucking sad in my eyes. I guess we should get used to being the exception. But the great thing is, we both just have the idea that this is how it SHOULD be.

We don't try. We just ARE.
I've had friends talk to me about how relationships are sooooo much work and take so much time and effort and it's really just not worth it sometimes. It's hard, they say. When I'm involuntarily part of these conversations, I feel like an impostor. I try to contribute and sympathize with these girls, but I can't fake it. Our relationship has always happened naturally and we effortlessly maintain a healthy balance. We respect each other, we understand and support each other, we have fun. If you love someone, you make it work. When someone is the most important person in your life, you should WANT to make time for them and take care of them. But I guess not everyone feels that way.
And who am I to judge that?

I AM, however, extremely grateful♥

Waiting For Halfway

By sunrise, 18 days and counting down until Jesse gets back. I absolutely CANNOT wait. And yet I have to. So I try to occupy my time as best I can, keep busy, and avoid empty slots of time which tend to lead me towards an indescribably deep sadness.

Thank goddess we talk ALL the time. Being the incredibly sweet perfect boyfriend he is, he clears a lot of time to fill me in and make sure I know he's missing me too. Love him =)

And Then The Rain Came...

And it seems to have washed away my ability to smile.
Because time is kicking my ass right now, and I just want it to hurry up and pass already.

Blood Drunk is touring Canada right now. I knew this. We knew this. This was planned many months ago, well before Jesse and I started dating. And yet, I could not have been prepared. Luckily, I got to go to Edmonton yesterday for a show and see him for a few hours. But oh my goddess was it ever hard =(
I miss him so much that I can't even find the words to describe how it feels.

I would rather give up on breathing because I would miss the air much less. It feels as if I am simultaneously completely empty inside, and also overflowing with sadness. I can't help but think about it. It's happening every second of every day. He's away and it kills. But I have no choice but to carry on normally until he returns. So I'll distract myself and hope that I can pull it together and find ordinary things to give me a small measure of happiness.

Writing helps (so does drinking). And hopefully shopping because that's what I'm doing tomorrow. And looking for jobs. Yes, plural. JOBS. I'm ACTUALLY going to take up running (again). If you knew me personally, you would know that prospect is ridiculous.
But at this point, I would do pretty much anything to avoid thinking about tour.

Nights are the worst. I miss the warmth that he gives off and his arms around me, and the way I can feel his heart beating against my back and his breath on my neck. Waking up to see him every morning. And feeling safe. Because without Jesse, nothing feels right.

The good news?
27 days until he gets back.
And then he's all mine again♥

So Repetitive

By now, anyone reading this knows that my life is completely amazing. You get it.
I should probably just start detailing what's going on in it, instead of being completely annoying.

Blood Drunk is playing a show tonight with Bison and Skullhammer. It's going to be amazing. Pogue Mahone - 9pm...ish.
I've never seen either of the other bands but obviously I want to. And I definitely wouldn't miss a Blood Drunk show. Let's get real here. Watching Jesse play drums is like... well... let's not even go there. Plus, Marisa is an amazing performer and basically just kicks every male singer's ass. It's intense and just all-around incredible. So I'm pretty fucking stoked.

Did I mention sitting in on HOTHW's jam tomorrow MAKING MY LIFE?!
Because it is. Seriously. I can't wait.

ANYWAY
Hillary is coming over soon soooo I should get back to life.

=)

Karma♥

I don't really have the patience to describe things in detail, but my life is so perfect I can't imagine how it got to this place. Or maybe it's just my relationship with Jesse. Either way, I'm beyond happy and have just been blissed out for the past two months (as of yesterday).

And counting =)

I Can't Be Tamed

1 DAY!

Tomorrow is Grand March and Photos. I'm sooooo excited. But did this really happen so quickly? Am I seriously graduated? Ceremony and all. Cap and gown. Pretty dress and perfect date. CORSAGE. X2 actually because Hillary's EX best friend bailed on their matching corsages so I stepped in and we changed the order to match my dress. But that's another story.
I guess so. Because it's here.
I couldn't be more impressed with my life right now. I'm SO looking forward to seeing everyone's faces when they see what my dress looks like. It's beautiful of course but definitely isn't what everyone is expecting. Yay for being able to keep my own secret for once in my life LOL Jesse and I are going to look fucking awesome. Just breaking all the rules =P

SIDE NOTE
I just need to renew my license and then I can drive my new car all by my lonesome...legally. It's a dream. I love it. Hillary took me out driving the other day and it was soooooo nice. Absolutely can't wait to drive it whenever I want!!!

Oh Life =)
♥♥♥

Sometimes My Mind Don't Shake And Shift...

...But Most Of The Time It Does

Grad is in 4 Days!
Nevermind getting my dress and hair and makeup ready, let's talk VOCALS. I'm singing the goddamn NATIONAL ANTHEM (excuse the excessive capitalization) not to mention one of my favorite Fiona Apple songs.

It's alright though. Jesse and I are going to look fucking awesome, so it pretty much makes up for anything else that may happen this weekend.

So excited!♥

Wild Horses Couldn't Drag Me Away

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! 18!

I've spent the whole day, and soon the rest of the night, and part of tomorrow morning, with Jesse. So it's been the best birthday of my life. Obviously♥
AND
My Dad is driving into town for me after his meeting to wish me a happy birthday and who knows what else. And he told me my car is ready!!! Oh my god, soooo exciting!

Just had a few minutes on my hands waiting for Jesse to get back home, but I should probably go enjoy my first day as a legal adult. Oh and don't you worry. I went and looked at porn. It was a fun time. They asked me for ID, and I couldn't have been happier haha

;)

Dropping So Quickly

My days are completely devoid of any excitement when we're apart. It's ridiculous. So it's a good thing that we've been hanging out every day for over a week now. Except today. But we texted all day so that mildly calmed me. But only a little.



Being wrapped in nothing but your hoodie all day definitely improved my mood though.

This feeling is crazy. I can't even fathom how this came to be. But here I am, and I've never been happier. And the best part is how open you are about reciprocating. You just say exactly what you're thinking and feeling and it makes my heart absolutely stop. I've never been so dead set on someone. And I've never been so sure.

So this is us =) I rather like it

Oh Facebook....

LOL
Making it "facebook official" has caused quite the stir. It's hilarious though. I totally got harassed about not having it on my profile, and now that it is, Jesse's getting it LOL
When are we getting married? TAKE IT EASY GUYS
Overall though, everyone is just really happy for us. OBVIOUSLY. Because we rock =)

Ooooooh blogging. Thanks for letting me get all my girliness out so that I can keep it from my general behavior. Who knows what would happen if I didn't jot it all down =P

Just Kidding!

♥
I'm just paranoid! And easily frustrated!

Everything is okay =) As far as I'm concerned anyway. Thanks Facebook. Who needs to have a conversation when you can just leave comments that imply everything is good =P

As if my life could suck for more than 5 minutes at a time.
Jeeze Louise and Pumpkin Trees!
You'd think I'd know this by now
♥

Walking The Streets With You And Your Worn-Out Jeans

How can so much have changed over a 4-day weekend?

Suddenly, the thing I thought was making everyone happiest for me, tore it all apart. It looks like I lost something in Victoria but I know deep down it was bound to happen. If that's all it takes to be turned on, then I'd rather just walk away. But we broke the cardinal rule. Don't ditch your friends. But what if your friends are being complete jerks? What then?

I'm not going to let this new happiness slip away because of a few disapproving set of eyes. Fuck that.

ONTO THE POSITIVE

This weekend was like a chapter out of a Jane Austen novel, and more specifically a scene out of a Shakespearean play. It was all terribly dramatic. But the best part was that although we were the cause of all the drama, we stayed above it.
I lost count of all the sunsets and ocean views and light breezes and walks in gardens and through the harbor. It was flawless...

...Until we got separated momentarily.
THEN
It was a very modern balcony scene which we joked heavily about the next day.

So we got ourselves into a little bit of trouble. Anyone could have seen that coming. It could never matter anyway because of my unwavering ability to talk myself out of anything.

Overall, Victoria has left me with some great memories. And the overdue acceptance of something that makes perfect sense.

=)

Window Seats and Whales

♥♥♥

LEAVING IN AN HOUR!!!

Oh my god, the day is finally here. Everything has worked out so perfectly and with such grace and ease that I can't hardly believe it. As if I didn't already feel as if I've been living in a dream. Or an alternate reality. But somehow, this is all for real. And in less than an hour, my mom is driving Acacia and I to the school to load our gear. I have WAY too much stuff. I'm just going to say it's my only suitcase and it isn't full. Lies lies lies. It's pretty full.

I'm ACTUALLY looking forward to this ridiculously long bus ride now. As of last night I have the ideal seat partner =)
Not really sure who Acacia is going to end up sitting with now, but she has soooo many options that it isn't an issue.

And then there's the ferry! Stoked, so so stoked! I better see some fucking orca whales. I have very high expectations so it's in everyone's best interest that they're met. I'll be very disappointed and the small children we're performing for will see me sing without any zeal =( But I don't really forsee that!
Told Jesse to learn some whale calls LOL It's only fair. I have the bird calls down.

Obviously I didn't sleep again last night (well, 2 hours), so I'm just running high on frenetic energy and... well I'm in a really hyped mood let's just leave it at that!

OMFG!!!Eeeeeeeek!!!

♥♥♥

Your Hands Are In My Hair But My Heart Is In Your Teeth

VICTORIA TOMORROW!!!

I'm unbelievably excited. Haven't slept in 2 days now, nbd. My hair looks better than ever, I'm bronzed and I'm GOING TO VICTORIA TOMORROW!!! Could life get any more delicious? I think not. So sleep is the last thing on my mind. There are more entertaining things I could do with that time... =)

Plan for the day... Mel's taking me to the bank, drop off with Acacia, MUST remember to buy a hoop for my nose (you have no idea what sort of weird mishaps have occurred with this stupid stud), chiro appointment to fix my crazy ribs LOL
And then there's the variety show... let's not go there. Waste of time save for a few details. The only place I want to be singing in the next 24 hrs is out on the ocean with my girls!
No clue how I'm going to handle the 8-10 hr coach ride to do on-the-way performances though. I could barely sit through the 1.5hrs it took to get my hair dyed yesterday. It was brutal. Considering I'm taking some serious painkillers, I should NOT be in that much pain.

Oh well! I know something that will make me feel MUCH BETTER ;)

P.S... It drives me crazy how you always know exactly what to say (but in a good way)



Oh Look! The View From Our Hotel! =P

Our Song Is The Way You Laugh

2 DAYS TIL VICTORIA!!!

Today was the first incident where I felt like maybe I was sabotaging my happiness a little bit. I snapped out of it though and fixed what, it turns out, wasn't hurt in the first place. There I go, over-thinking things again. Quoi de neuf =P

I get my hair done today! Yay! No more faded fiery hair!!! And no letting my lovely tan fade either =) sun cocoon with Courtney today when she gets off school!

It's crazy how these little exciting things get me so worked up. Everything is just so great though♥

I Can See It Going Down

3 DAYS TIL VICTORIA!!!

The excitement has fully set in at this point. I was stressing last night while I was talking to my sister Mel and she totally solved my problems by saying that she would give me spending money for the trip as an early birthday present. I can always pay her back anyway =) And my Mom said that she would lend me the money for the meals that aren't covered. Thank Goddess!

As if I weren't enough of a girl, I'm making up a packing list and planning out all the possible outfits. I want to pack smart. Is that a crime? If you saw the detailed notations on these sheets of paper, you would certainly say yes. So... don't answer that.

There's so much to do! Luckily, I live for these sort of organized preparations. I also live for music and partying. So while this is a school trip, it certainly won't be PG. I'm basically going to be faking all the flute-playing anyway because most of the songs are waaaaaay beyond my experience level anyway. My teacher is totally fine with this. I told him I'm probably going to be tipsy the whole time. So at least he's well-informed =) He's so cool. Yay!

The best part of this trip though, is that I get to spend a blissful 4 days in my favorite place with all my favorite people. H.S. A.S. M.P. J.T. R.C-S. You rock ;)

♥♥♥

Countdown =)

4 days til Victoria!!!

Which is actually kind of scary because my cheque still hasn't come =( stupid mail.

So much has happened this week. Or maybe not, but it feels like it. The biggest changes are the ones that you can barely see. It's the words we whisper or the embraces that no one witnesses. And in those moments everything is suddenly a little clearer. And you know what? Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. But then I take a step back and look at everyone in my life right now, and I know it's all going to be great; that I don't have to be afraid of being this happy.

Even if they get on my nerves (however rarely) I have the best friends ever♥
Be jealous.

They've Got Nothin On You

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT

I never get sick of this =) My brother pierced my nose without even having to ask him twice. Amy's party was totally fun. Good night. Very good night.
Tattoo coming up ASAP if Tyler EVER stops working =l Like seriously!

♥♥♥

These Are The Best Days

So here's the list of yesterday

Win mention for Best Speaker at Model UN
Go to a seriously mind-blowing show
Check! Check!

Today it's Amy's birthday and she's having a little fiesta at her house =) Literally a fiesta though. Awesome? I think so. All I have to do is convince my brother to pierce my nose before I go over there seeing as it's his day off. Fingers crossed!

PS
I feel like I'm living in Utopia. Even the council I was on yesterday voted in accordance with my points and arguments unanimously. For the first time in history, we passed a resolution without any votes against it. YEAH.

Love My Life ;)

The Way You Read Through Me...

Wow, things just don't stop amazing me! Sometimes I don't like hearing that people talk about me, even though I know they do, because it isn't always fun to have your suspicions confirmed. But because my life is perfect (apparently, though it still surprises me)people just say the nicest things =) That's a welcome change.

I'm just so so so so SO grateful. For everything and everyone and for the fact that all these events keep occurring. These spectacular positive events.

♥Love It♥

Standard = Dominated

Yes! I drove standard today! And the best thing was, I felt more comfortable than in an automatic. My mind was totally off every other aspect of driving and it just came naturally to me. Thank youuuuuu Melarazzi!

Still love my life. Will continue to do so. Everything. Is. AMAZING!

You Can Pull Me Under

It really sucks when you stop believing the little lies you tell yourself. Like not wanting something. You know you do, but it's much easier to believe otherwise. There's less disappointment that way. I know I'm not the only person to do this.
Unfortunately, there comes a time when you lose conviction and just stop convincing. THAT is when you start REALLY wanting that thing.
It's even worse when everyone else thinks you should want it anyway.

Oh well =)

I Want To Live a Life From a New Perspective

Life is beautiful.

I'm totally in love with my life. Never have I been so happy =) The greatest part of it is that this feeling is stable. It isn't like bad things don't happen during my day or week, it just doesn't matter, because it doesn't even come close to how amazing things are for me. I'm so grateful.
I don't need to have drama to have excitement. I don't need to hang on to dead relationships and inconsistent friends. I feel so utterly content with myself, for the most part. It's so new and so bright.

It's interesting how people can bring out other sides of you that you had forgotten about. I think it's important to express all aspects of one's personality and explore interests and figure out who the hell we are in this crazy mixed up world. Everyone wants something. People will do whatever it takes to get that something. But if you know who you are, and where you stand, it won't matter because you'll be solid. You won't be moved.

I, specifically, will not be moved. Or swayed.

I'll just be me =)

Finally Free!!!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my school counselor. So, by the end of first period, I will officially be GRADUATED. Turns out, a lot of people just can't stand high school for these last 3 months. I have all my credits, all my transitions are in, and I don't need ANY of the classes I'm currently enrolled in. Why stay? Good fucking question. And I can't come up with an answer, besides to see my friends. Luckily, that isn't going to stop me from leaving because we hang out ALL the time anyway, and I'm still going to be involved in school activities. There's NO WAY I could leave jazz band, and I promised Acacia I would still do Model UN. Which I love =)
Speaking of jazz band, we have festival tomorrow night. Yay? My throat was SO sore tonight but I wasn't about to put up with that, so I downed a good 8 cups of lemon tea. It's better now. Yeah, being sick can kiss my ass. It's not happening.
Life is good...
No.
Life is great.

Up Against A Dirty Wall

I was wrong. Brazilians everywhere were right. Sorry for ever doubting the quoted wisdom.
And thanks to Olive for saying exactly what was on my mind lol. D is NOT looking so good anymore. I guess all it took was a really fun night where he wasn't around to remind me that I was having a great time LONG before he showed up, and can have even better times in the future. Or right now lol.
Overall though, nbd. I'm glad I'm really casual about things.

88 Days and Counting

You open your eyes, and it occurs to you that it isn't the world that's spinning, but rather you. Well, that's how I feel, anyway. I feel like all of a sudden time has been thrust upon me and I don't know how to control it. On the other hand, I don't know if I want to. Maybe because I've been spinning about for so long, it only feels natural to live in a whirlpool of sorts. I sometimes wonder if I'm just biding my time; waiting until this chaos is acceptable. I like it.
Isn't that great? I realized that I spend so much time being what I believe other people want, WHO they want, that I often forget what I like, or what I want for MYSELF. If I'm in really deep, like lately, I forget who I even am. I guess that isn't so important, though. I'm going to change either way, and no one is forcing me to play a part. I don't think I could handle life without this process. So boring. So unremarkable.
I want to make it all happen, everything that I want, or THINK I want, or even want to want.
Because I can. And lately, that's reason enough.
Isn't that great =)

What Shores

In what world is it acceptable to tell your daughter, explicitly, that there are numerous conditions to your love and support? If this is what parenting looks like: good job. You're doing phenomenally. I'd especially like to congratulate you on your total lack of interest in anything, despite the fact that my life is going exceptionally well. Kudos also on the record-breaking time it takes for you to whip me into a frenzy of annoyance. Five minutes maybe? Maybe less.
Perhaps my graduation isn't the place for you anyway. I suppose it would be incredibly ironic for you to attend considering your counter-productiveness in regards to my successes and general ability to deal with, well, life.
I actually thought that for once, one of you would step up to the plate and pretend to be capable of dependability. But no. This charade has fallen like ill-placed cards. Everyone knows that they are going to topple, that even as they teeter and sway back into position, the situation is hopeless and will forevermore continue to be such. It's a pity that my otherwise consistently low expectations haven't always applied to you. It's a shame, because things would be much less painful that way. If you had failed right from the start. But instead you shifted from an ideal to a cause for worry, and finally you seem to have planted yourself firmly in a state of absence.
Well I'll make you a promise, seeing as I'm the only one left of substance.
I promise to give up on you. I promise to make a point of not reserving you a ticket for graduation; to not extend invitations to concerts and showcases and festivals.
I promise that your pathetic attempts at justifying your choices will haunt you in ten years when you still haven't heard from me, when your looks have faded, your body grown weak and further fragile, your mind robbed of its uncanny ability to remain disillusioned.
Until then...